yes duh...this post is about my mum....n me.....it's not a post of sumtin good....or....it's just....now....how i felt....about u....the way u r....the things u do......it's not about right or wrong....things happen the way they are becoz of many things....both becoz of u n me.....wat's gonna be written here...is the things dat couldn't be said out....becoz they'd neva hav the chance to be spoken off....may God forgive me....and u....and all of us...4 the things we do......
yes...i'm sad....becoz we argue more often den usual.....wat prompted me to write this 2day here....is becoz we had an argument this morning....n y did it happen??it all came from being....overprotective.....not liek it's sumtin bad or wat....but it's just...sumtimes....it's alwayz just about how u feel.....n neva once how ur son....how i feel......u've neva put any thought to dat....n in any argument i'd be the 1st to be blamed.....n even when i admit-ed dat it's my fault....i'd only get more stoning to myself....
i wasn't mad or anytin....dat made me gav u the silent treatment this morning....and i noe u care much 4 me....but heck u do it all the wrong way...just liek father did.....i wun say dat i'm perfect as well....but i'm aware of the problems within myself....and gradually i tried to apply changes to them....some with sucess....and some still on the way.....i'm not perfect...neither r u.....it's just wat we r...notin to blame or anytin regarding dat.....
just a normal thing liek asking permission to go out at nite...but u'll alwayz giv ur u think it's so funny and useable statements....things liek "ask them come here find u la"/"ask ur frens go out earlier la...6 oclock go yum cha..."/"ask them go sri petaling la...there oso got things...." and things liek dat....u say things as if they were so easy.....u really think the world revolves around me dun u???or mebe u just simply said them without even thinking them....mebe u dun c it dat way...but it's an insult to me....not once...not twice...but alllll the time whenever i'm asking u 4 permission....
yesterday u dared to ask me to stay in my room use the com n play games to keep me in the hse...n u alwayz said how i shouldn't be stuck in my room wif the computer all day long....it's so darn hypo critic...u just say wateva u wan and howeva u wan....u tell me how worried u r....ur feelings n all...how bout mine??i dun mind not going out...really...just dat statement of urs pisses me off...i find it bullshitting....dun tok to me while watching ur tvb dramas....n look who's the one alwayz blaming me 4 not interacting....hilarious??u mean urself dun u??
wanna noe how i feel???let me tell u this...u said dat u're all worried....dat i went penang n work...so far n all....i am worried too....but u all make as if liek i'm going there happy-go-lucky attitude....u din even noe how pressured i was when i was driving(coz u're all alwayz pressuring me liek dat).....i kept praying 'oh grant me journey mercy Lord....keep me safe....dun fall asleeep.....2 hours more to go....Lord Lord Lord'...the entire freaking time i was driving....just so dat notin would happen n u wouldn't hav to worry me(unsure of coz u're bz holidaying in singapore).....i mean....couldn't u say beta things??liek 'pls take care....drive slowly...dun worry too much....it'll be fine...' instead of 'go call ur boss and let me speak to him....u afraid to tell him let me say.....change location say dun wan penang...too far....no insurance sumore....'can't u hav a lil faith in me??oh wait...mebe not??coz i'm notin but a mere investment of urs??u dun even noe how many times i've cried suffering in silence....i tried to endure ur ways.....look at another point of view.....but u're just too great.....till i can't handle.....n even saying i'm wrong all the time dun even please u....i really wonder.....wat do u wan......
all the same doin hse chores....alwayz askin me to sweep the floor and mop the floor.....wash the car...clean the shelf...wipe the windows....shift ur tape recorder.....fix ur tape recorder....i dun mind doin wat u ask me to.....but whenever i c ur daughter sitting right in front of her computer doin notin who need not even lift a finger or anytin....n yet clean from any lectures....ya she wiped the shelf once den very high n mighty de loh....me n my brother hav helped my father in the office...take boxes of papers n heavy printers n computers n all....waking up early sumore...she??she'd be just sleeping at home...not even lifting a finger to do any house chores....oh...mebe take down the laundry....dat's a heck of a workload 4 her already.....if i slept late i'd be scolded....everyday sleep eat play sleep....
but it's not liek i regret....becoz...i noe wat i had been provided....it's my duty as a son....i helped...not becoz i hav to....but becoz my old father no need take 20 boxes of paper forms(10kg 1 box) 2 floors up on stairs....and den he no need to stress his old body(once i even 'wat dou yiu guat')....help my mum wash the dishes coz she already tire herself from cooking....n sumtimes i cook....though seldom d.....wat kept me from doing chores 100%....is the unfairness dat happens....wat i did....i can tell u...probably not even 40% my sister would hav done....n y is it my fault whenever i voice it out....becoz i'm a failure??becoz i'm not good enuf???i've seen it wif my own eyes...n yet u deny it....wat more can i say....n 2day u said the 1 thing u should neva had....i alwayz think dat i'm a fillial son....but when u say things liek dat....i begin to doubt.....whether i shall continue being 1.....mebe...i should make ur words come true....since u're alwayz right.....since u asked 4 it....mebe when i can no longer be a good person...i shall do so......
i feel so much beta writing them out...though.....they din turn out as i imagined it would be...my writing sucks.....lolx....probably ppl will think dat i'm the 1 at fault....i should love my mum....i should not this n dat....i mean....i still love her....she's my mum...she's good at times....1/10 times mebe.....but she'll neva change(coz she's alwayz right...n not liek she's gonna read all of this...).....n things going this way....lolx...oh well....who needs me anyway.....she's got her beloved daughter and good older son.....wat use am i???i dun blame u....u're still human...i'm just unlucky dat's all....i pray God shall forgive both u n i.....becoz...now i doubt i'd be able to fulfill one of the ten commandments....i wonder though....if sumday.....u lose me....will u be happy.....or relieved???i'm sure......u'll be happier den u r now....
i'm sorry halmonji~J.....i noe i hav a complete family.....in terms of numbers...yeah....but....relationship?? i'm an outsider....i've tried....but i think i'm losing myself.....mebe 1 day...i'll find the answers.....but 4 now...i can only pray dat God can guide me....ease me.....of my pain n burden......the cold war begins......let it be my fault again.....i'm tired....
