Home Swe... home?<---きらい きらい

home....a topic i'm sure 99% wat most ppl could actually write many good things about....home sweet home some may define and some other perhaps lovey dovey home???and as the chinese new year holidayz draws near....home....is so much nearer.....for many.....

on monday....i was feeling not so well in the morning as i woke up....but still i thought it was liek normal and wasn't too much a problem.....and i went to liang wen there in the afternoon to take a quick nap but den was not able too....and nite came....after takin Jr's nasi goreng cina in coe....i couldn't even finish it(considering how i treat food)...becoz the food was problematic....it made my condition worst.....as the meeting went on...it worsen....i was drowsy and all cold and hot at the same time....din noe i was having fever already....at about 10 i really felt liek i could faint anytime....so quickly after the meeting i headed home....praying dat i'm kept safe by His hands as i drove home....

Thankfully i reached home b4 i actually felt liek collapsing....i put my hands on my forehead...n i realised it is actually.....burning.....it was already close to 11.....but i needed to shower....yet my sister who took her time slowly in the bathroom didn't care....so i just quickly did wat i agreed wif yee siong afta meeting 4 the booth things....and i'm so sorry i couldn't do better....i had only an ounce of strength left in me....as i showered and stroke my body....it felt as if i was peeling my skin off and it hurts....and i could barely stand as i find myself on the wall....as i came out of the shower....i needed to take a towel from my parent's room but they were air-conditioned soooo cold....and since i was still soggy from after-shower...i asked my sister to get the towel for me.....and here the story begins......

wat she told me??"I'm not free now....i'm busy...go take urself...."wat was she doing??doin her pathethic nonsense in front of her laptop.....she couldn't afford to take a few steps out of her room to help me get the towel...and so i forced my pitiful self to take it.....could u feel how dissapointed i was??it wasn't the 1st time in anytin.....as i thought to myself.....once she herself had fallen into a fever last year...and my parents went to sleep....askin me to check on her b4 i sleep....despite having disagreements many a times wif her....dude she was sick....i tot this is wat a brother should do....i changed her towel and check if she was ok....b4 i went to sleep....i made sure she had water beside her table if she woke up and needed to drink....and even just last week....when they were all asleep and the elctricity tripped a while in the middle of 2 am sumtin.......i took the courtesy to go and restore their air-cond...so their sleep may not be disturbed......n here's wat.....

AM I SOHAI????!!!!!MEBE BLOODY FUCKING CIBAI SOHAI??????y the fuck do i have to do this....hey!i took care of my high fever on my own....i slept at 4am peacefully...while changing the towels myself....i din ask no 1 to help me....nah!not liek any1 cared....i din even complain.....i stuck resting in my room the whole tuesday and my father tot i was playin the whole day!....even while writing this my head's spinning liek crazy!!!who would come n ask how the hell r u???n as i realized how sohai i am....truly!!if u sum up the pain in my head my body my insides!!it wouldn't even amount to the pain in my heart.....i'm so freaking disappointed.......FUCKING disappointed.......is this wat i am??a piece of shit??dat when u wan wat u wan u come n ask me and i shall provide it to u everytime??ur homeworks??drive u to ur frens hse??drive u outside to buy things???things liek dat?!and when i ask u 4 sumtin u'd gimme the bloody response "wait la....not free....bzzz???"!!and u urself would giv others the bloody black face when u get replied in dat way??!!oh sure...den u'll just say "hell i did".....humans behaviour at its best....DENIAL......

but den again....i'm the black sheep of the family...it's only logical dat things liek this happens....afta all..i'm just a failure ain't i??yeah....this is wat the world has labeled i am.....despite how disappointed i felt.....i did not shed a tear despite being a chou-do emotional person....coz none of ur damned selves deserved any......i told myself....this is prove of wat i am.....for this...i shalt only work 4 myself....all 4 myself.....putting myself in this misery......for as long as am needed....till i find wings...to free myself....since it is such.....i can only pray...dat myself be forgiven....for i hav and will go against the commandments for doing this...but i can take it no longer....no matter wat i do.....it'd be me at fault and it'd be me dat's wrong.....but i care no longer.....in fact i actually hoped i'd died sumhow or rather....but den again....wif dat thought and dead....i'd end up in hell...not sumtin worth trading becoz of them eh??

i'm so sorry.....i'm being so vulgar...but i dun really care no more....if u show me shit i will fuck u....if u show me good i will be good to u....coz i dun giv no shit anymore....not to any1......i'm tired of being treated liek an asshole....i hav temper as well....dun test me....

well to those not concern,i'm sorry for having u read such a -not me- kind of post.....thx for actually reading it....coz in the end...u might hav cared even if it's just a lil....dun worry i'm still a good person.....peace and God Bless to ya all.....just dat now.....home<->family,lies no meaning within me......

P/S:Appreciate wat ya'll ppl hav....sorry again for such a post....it has relieved me....
Wat's my raison d'etre??-1)God is ultimately my raison detre......even if i shall fail him.....
And hav a blessed happy Chinese New Year!!!!

2009

2009......
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1)Praying dat i can be more diligent.....more faithful to Him....
2)Praying dat sumhow my interest in the world will stop decreasing.....as in life itself.....
3)Praying dat sumhow....sumhow....i'll manage thru my life......
4)Ignoring all sorts of disappointment life brings in.....
5)Praying dat everything goes well in just about everytin for every1......
6)Praying perhaps.....this year will be the year my plans r successfully executed.....
7)Praying for a consistent good health.....for every1 in need.....and 4 my so young yet so old body......
8)Praying dat there'll be more beautiful songs ahead of this year......
9)Praying for my dearest frens who means much to me and to be able to giv a lil more time meeting up.....
10)Praying dat sumhow....the economy would not go too bad till it affects too much......
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わたし　の　ねがい
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~　もう　はずれ　ならない
~　わたし　の　そんざい　の　いみ　で　さがしてる　ほしい
~　もっと　にほんご　に　ｊｉｂｕｎ‐お　べんきょう　しましょう
~　かみ‐さま　に　もっと　ちかく　なりたい　んだ　
~　もっと　すごく　の　ｊｉｂｕｎ　ｊｉｓｈｉｎ　です
~　もっと　つかえる　の　任ぎぇん　に　なりたい　んだ
~　もっと　めでたし
~　こうかてき　の　ひと　で　なりたい！！
~~~~~~~~~~~~~